Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Can Be Hard
When Your Inner Child and Your Adult Self Are at War
The feeling is one thing; the knowing is another.
It’s like a glitch in the matrix.
In one moment, you’ve come to an understanding. Through experience, reflection, and adult awareness, reality seems black and white—gut-wrenchingly obvious. And then, in a split second, something shifts. Something gets inserted into reality. The inner child comes out to play in an altered version of the world.
And the war between two selves begins.
You should know better.
You do know better.
So why does this keep happening? What is this glitch?
The Child Waiting at the Door
Let’s start with an example that is all too common. This can happen with either parent, but for this example, we’ll use the father as the “unstable” one.
There’s a divorce. Mom becomes the primary parent. Dad has scheduled pick-up times for his child. At first, he’s late. Then he starts skipping visits. Then he apologizes. He makes promises. He fails again. Then he shows up with new promises, bringing new hope.
The child waits by the door.
The child is let down again.
And in those moments, the child learns a painful reality: while their dad is not spending time with them, he is choosing something else—another woman, another family, substances, or simply being alone. Whatever it is, it’s not them.
Hard truth. Reality.
But then it happens again. One phone call. One gift. One lunch. One promise.
And there is the glitch.
It’s the hope of being chosen. The hope that says, “Maybe this time I am enough.”
Children can be abandoned, neglected, even abused, and still love their parent unconditionally. They will jump at the opportunity to spend time with that parent. When the glitch happens, anger and sadness dissolve, and their eyes light up like Christmas morning—full of wonder, hope, and longing.
The child wants to be chosen.
We all want to be chosen.
We want to be seen, loved, supported, and accepted exactly as we are. A child loves from innocence, from unconditional hope, from a place that believes love will finally arrive.
Fast Forward to Adulthood
As adults, we get to choose our relationships. We don’t have to wait behind the door anymore. We can choose who we let into our lives, who we trust, who gets the key to our heart.
But bad things still happen.
Really bad things.
Abandonment.
Lies.
Betrayal.
Cheating.
Broken promises.
Heartbreak—over and over again.
Your adult mind sees the facts. It sorts through reality. It sets boundaries. It makes decisions. This is the world other adults see. This is where you are judged, because you look and act like an adult.
You would never let this person hurt you again.
And then… the glitch happens.
One text. One email. One connection.
It’s the knock on the door.
And your inner child comes out to play.
“It’s you! You’re enough! You’re chosen!”
Suddenly, the facts don’t matter. The betrayal doesn’t matter. The broken promises don’t matter. You opened the door with excitement before—and you were abandoned again, hurt again, left again. You are smart. You know better.
So why does it keep happening?
Because there are two realities playing out.
The Two Realities
To the outside world, it’s black and white.
It’s obvious.
It makes no sense that you would go back.
But inside you, there is a child at play.
Children don’t live in black and white facts. They live in imagination, hope, fantasy, and longing. The child plays in the reality of being chosen—even if it’s temporary, even if it comes with pain, humiliation, or danger.
The child seeks love. And the yearning for love can override understanding.
The adult mind tries to protect you.
The child’s heart runs toward the familiar door.
That war is exhausting.
Understanding the Glitch
Understanding the glitch is the beginning.
Give yourself grace. This takes time.
Forgive yourself. Learning to forgive your adult self for not being able to control the inner child may be one of the hardest parts of healing.
When you begin to heal your wounds, the two realities start to come into alignment. The adult self learns to protect the child. The child begins to feel safe without chasing love that hurts.
True love is kind.
True love is consistent.
True love protects.
And love doesn’t only come from one person. It comes from many relationships—including the one you build with yourself.
Let it in.
And if you are watching someone else struggling in the glitch, give them grace and share this information.
